Seeing the funny side of things





 
  
 
 
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. 
 
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
 
"The front row, please," she answered..
 
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
 
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
 
"No," he said.
 
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
 
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
 
"No," she said.
 
"Good," he answered.
 
 
Show and Tell 
 
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.  Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
 
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
 
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
 
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."
 
 
The Best Way to Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
 
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
 
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
 
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
 
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
 
 
The Twenty and the One 
 
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
 
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. 
 
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
 
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed... "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean     ...."
 
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
 
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
 
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Presbyterian church, the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church     .."
 
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
  
 
 
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

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TOMMY COOPER HUMOUR


 
A man went to see his doctor because of an addiction to spaghetti. Doctor said that if he did not stop he would die. The man did not stop and pasta way soon after!
            
        The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him  off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with  death.
     
     A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to  brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any  time....
     
     I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a  grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking  about with a coffin, 1 hour later and they're still walking about  with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the  plot!!
     
     My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday,  so I went to our local pet shop and they wanted £70!!! Blow this, I  thought, I can get one cheaper off the  web.
     
     I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I  could check her balance, so I pushed her  over.
     
     I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a  good Korea move.
     
     I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked  up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  I thought to myself that guy's heading for a  breakdown.
     
     My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,  can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up  playing my Bagpipes.
     
     Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . Sod  that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go  blind?"
     
     Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The  operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the  ironing is building up!
     
     I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At  least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her  purse.
     
     I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor  standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I  was petrified.
     
     A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me  around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect?  You're in a wheelchair.
     
     I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die  you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She  said she would like to come back as a cow. I said youre obviously  not listening.
     
     The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to  prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all  her clothes back.
     
     The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the  kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting  and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through  the change."
     
     When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying  that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot  was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if  she'd have to reverse the bloomin  thing
     
     Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter, who has  stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the  attacker could be following some kind of  pattern.
     
     Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off  before I could eat it!
     
     A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a  tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.  The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman  grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the  day the teddy bears have their picks  nicked
     
     Just got back from my  mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis  ball. It was a lovely service.       

 Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.  They charged one and let the other one off.
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.'  The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
Slept like a log last night ........ woke up in the fireplace.
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
Two blondes walked into a building. You'd have thought one would have seen it.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'
'I became a member of The Secret Seven. It's so secret, I don't even know who the other six are... '
I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other. The doctor asked, 'what seems to be the problem?' I said 'you have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf.'
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder.  He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.'  Man says, Why?  The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.  The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?  The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' . And the dentist said to me, 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'
I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'.
I said 'Don't worry - I'll get you a new cat'.
'I was standing at a party the other night and across the room was an attractive woman.  I looked at her and cocked my eye.  She looked at me and cocked her eye back.  And there we stood, cock-eyed.Extra Tommy Cooper Jokes Kindly 
I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'
  • So I said to the doctor. 'People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball. 'The doctor said 'Howzat?' I said, 'don't you start'.
  • So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'.  She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
  • 'I got up just like that, well it could of been like that, but, no it was like that.... anyway I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas, It's a funny place to have a door I know'.

    • "Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."
    'I had a meal last night.  I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody.  It was a Chinese restaurant.  I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
    I said, 'Not only that. 'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other. 'He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'
    I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw. 'He said 'Well he's been in a fight. 'I said, 'Well give me the winner.'
    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.  'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
    Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down.  'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'  No, because he's really heavy'
    A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: 'What's the problem' The man says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac. 'The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week' ..... 'Bring me a colour TV'.
    "I woke up the other night. I had one foot up here like this (pushing the flat of the hand under his chin), and the other up there like that; not like that (rotating his hand and back again), like that.
    Then I thought to myself; My feet are killing me".  
    I backed horse last week at ten to one.  It came in at quarter past four. 
    I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.  I said 'What for?'  He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'
    I was clearing out the loft and I found an old violin and a painting. I took them to an expert and he said what you have there is a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately stradivarius couldn't paint and Rembrandt couldn't make very good violins. 
    'Went to the doctors - he said "You've got four minutes to live" I said "Is there anything you can give me?" He said "A boiled egg?"' 
    Man walks into a tie shop. The assistant says  'yes sir, what can I help you with?' The man say's, 'I want to return this tie'. The assistant says, 'yes sir, and what's wrong with it sir?', The man says  'its too tight, much too tight'.
    Got a new car the other day, pushed the horn it went woof woof, it was a Rover.   
    "I woke up the other night. I had one foot up here like this (pushing the flat of the hand under his chin), and the other up there like that; not like that (rotating his hand and back again), like that. And I thought to myself; My feet are killing me".
    Monkey and an Hyena, best of mates were walking through the jungle when the Hyena was attacked by a vicious Lion. The Monkey escaped up a nearby tree and watched his friend the Hyena being mauled and ripped to bits. Once the fight was over the Hyena was only just alive and turned to the Monkey and said. "Why didn't you come and help me?" And the Monkey replied, "The way you were laughing I thought you were winning so I didn't bother."

    Each year it was the custom for the very best performers to appear at the Royal Command Performance.  At the end of the show the very best of the best were introduced to the Queen.
    'Did you think I was funny?', Tommy Cooper asked the Queen. 'Yes, very funny Tommy', replied the Queen.
    'Did your Mother think I was funny?', Tommy asked. 'Yes, she laughed non-stop', said the Queen
    'Would you mind if I ask a personal question?', Tommy asked. 'No, you can ask, but I am not be able to answer', the Queen Replied
    'Who are you supporting in the Cup Final?', asked Tommy. 'Neither, I am impartial' , said the Queen.'
    'In that case, ... ' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'

     
    LOT'S  WIFE             ATT00613 The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once while she was driving," he announced  triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone  pole!" ________________________________ GOOD  SAMARITAN ATT00616 A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of  the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you  saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A  thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,   "I think I'd throw  up." ________________________________ DID  NOAH FISH? ATT00619 A Sunday  school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms." ________________________________ HIGHER  POWER ATT00622 A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We  have been learning how powerful kings and queens  were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child  blurted out,   "Aces!" ________________________________ MOSES  AND THE RED SEA Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well,  Mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother  asked. "Well, no, Mum, but, if told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe  it!"    ________________________________ THE  LORD IS MY SHEPHERD ATT00625 A Sunday  School teacher decided to have her young class  memorise one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was really nervous.  When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my  Shepherd, and that's all I need to  know." ________________________________ UNANSWERED  PRAYER ATT00628 The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a  moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began,  proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked. ________________________________ BEING  THANKFUL A Rabbi said to a precocious  six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable.  What does she say?" The  little boy replied, "Thank God he's in  bed!" ________________________________ UNTIMELY  ANSWERED PRAYER During the minister's  prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked,   "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?" Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!" ________________________________ TIME  TO PRAY ATT00631 A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.    "Yes,  sir." the boy replied. "And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked. "No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the  daytime"    ________________________________    SAY A  PRAYER Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny!  Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy  replied. "Of course,  you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained.  "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"
     
     

    Shirley & Marcy

    A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
    So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

    The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

    As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy 's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

    Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

    The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

    'That's just Shirley Goodnest, 'Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

    'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?

    'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ' Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

    The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace.


    May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always

     
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    THE BLIND AND THE NOT SO BLIND!
    Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."  
     The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
     We've got dogs with us." 
     The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." 
     They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
     The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
     The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
     This is my seeing-eye dog."
     The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" 
     The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
     The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
     The lady with the Chihuahu a thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. 
     Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
     The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog" 
     The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
     The woman with the Chihuahua said,
     "A Chihuahua ? They gave me a Chihuahua ?!"
    ----------------------------------------------------
     
    THIS AGE BUSINESS!
    A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
    "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
    "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
    "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
    "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
    "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
    "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
    "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
    "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
    The others nodded in agreement.
    "Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank goodness we can all still drive"
     

    _________________________________________________________________
    In Sunday School one morning Little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to
    ask a question that had perplexed him for some time.

    "Mr. Goldblatt," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out.
    According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,right?"  

    "Right."  

    "And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"  

    "Er, right."  

    "And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"  

    "Again you're right."  

    "And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel
    were always doing something important, right?"  

    "All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Goldblatt. "So what's your question,
    Joey?"  

    "What were all the grown-ups doing?"

    ============================
    Today's thought:

    Life is a Lamborghini - It goes too fast, and it costs too much.
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    Try a simple little Biblical Quiz to start your day....

    1 - Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
    A. Ruthless.

    2 - Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
    A. German Shepherds.


    3 - Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
    A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.



    4 - Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
    A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
    Little prophet.


    5 - Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
    A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph
    Was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles
    Were all in one Accord.

    7 - Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
    A. Samson. He brought the house down.


    8 - Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
    A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

    9 - Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
    A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.


    10 - Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
    A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.


    11 - Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
    A. David He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
     
     
    12 - Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
    A. Joshua, son of Nun.
    13 - Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
    A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.



    14 - Q.. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
    A. Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'



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    SCARED?

    A sergeant in a parchute regiment took part in several night time exercises. On one flight seated next to him was a lieutenant fresh from training camp. He was quiet and looked a bit pale. The sergeant struck up a converstaion with him, 
    'Scared, lieutenant?' he asked.
    He replied, 'No, just a bit apprehensive.'
    The sergeant asked, 'What's the difference?'
    The liuetenant replied, ' It means I'm scared but with a university education.'
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    WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE! 


    A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,  to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 
    'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...
    ''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. 
    Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed  it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' 
    And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 

    Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." 

    The old lady stepped back and said, "well let me get  you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning." 



    ____________________________________________________________




    A woman bought a parrot and a cage and took it home. After a few days she went back to the pet shop and complained that polly wouldn't talk. 
    The pet shop owner said "Have you got a swing for it" 
    "No" said the woman, 
    "Well your Polly is probably bored and needs some stimulation" said the pet shop man. 
    So the woman took his advice, bought her parrot  a swing and took it home. A week later she went back to the pet shop to complain that the parrot still refused to make a sound.The pet shop owner listened and suggested that the parrot was in fact lonely and persuaded the woman to buy Polly a mirror so that he would imagine that he had a friend in the cage. Another week passed by and still the parrot refused to talk, by the time she got back to the pet shop, the parrot had died.
    "Oh dear" said the pet shop owner, " Did he have any last requests or words at all ? 
    " Funny you should ask that " said the woman,  "actually, he did, he said next time you go to the pet shop please get me some parrot food"

    (The moral of the story is receiving spiritual food is more important than the extra goodies that we receive from our church!)
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    TWENTY SEVEN LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

    1.. My husband and I have religious differences. He thinks he's God and I don't.
    2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
    3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
    4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
    5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
    6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
    7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
    8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe..
    9.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
    10.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
    11.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
    12.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
    13.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    14.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    15.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
    16.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
    17 .. Procrastinate Now!
    18.. I have a Liberal Arts degree; Do you want fries with that?
    19.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    20.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
    21.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
    22.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
    23.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
    24.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
    25.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
    26.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
    27.. I smile because I don't know what's going on.

    Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
    Life is too short and friends are too few!
    Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
    They had just awakened from a good night's sleep
    He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'
    'Why not?' he asked.
    She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'

    The husband asked...'What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'
    She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'
    He insisted, 'You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?'

    'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    DRIVING HABITS

    A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed.
    He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding..
    Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
    He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.
    He tried a fourth time with the same result.
    The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
     
    Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a fastened seat belt.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    PRAYER AS A LAST RESORT!
    John was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up all alcohol!'
    Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
    John looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    WHY, WHY, WHY?!?!

    Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
    Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
    Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
    Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
    Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
    If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
    Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
    Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
    Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
    Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
    Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
    How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
    When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
    Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
    In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
    How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
    And ......
    The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Weston's Mother looked out the window and noticed Him "playing church" with their cat.

    He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.
    She smiled and went about her work.
    A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Weston baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
    She called out, "Weston, stop that! the cat is afraid of water!"
    Weston looked up at her and said,
    "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      From  Church  Bulletins:
     
     
     The  Fasting & Prayer Conference includes  meals.  
     
     ----------------------------------------------------------  
     
     The  sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'  The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'  

     --------------------------------------------  
     
     Ladies,  don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to  get rid of those things not worth keeping around  the house. Bring your  husbands.  
     
     --------------------------------------------  
     
     The  peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been  canceled due to a conflict..  
     
     --------------------------------------------  
     
     Don't  let worry kill you off - let the Church  help.  
     
     --------------------------------------------  

     Miss  Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way  again,' giving obvious pleasure to the  congregation.  
     
     --------------------------------------------  
     
     For  those of you who have children and don't know  it, we have a nursery downstairs..  

     --------------------------------------------  
     
     The  Rector will preach his farewell message after  which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into  Joy.'  
     
     --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
     Irving  Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October  24 in the church. So ends a friendship that  began in their school days.  
     
     -------------------------------------------  

     At the  evening service tonight, the sermon topic will  be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our  choir practice.  

     --------------------------------------------  
     
     Please  place your donation in the envelope along with  the deceased person you want  remembered.  
     
     --------------------------------------------  

     The  church will host an evening of fine dining,  super entertainment and gracious  hostility.  
     
     --------------------------------------------  
     
     Potluck  supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication  to follow.

     -----------------------------------  ---------  
     
     The  ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of  every kind.  They may be seen in the  basement on Friday afternoon.  
     
     --------------------------------------------  

     This  evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in  the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket  and come prepared to sin.  
     
     --------------------------------------------  
     
     Ladies  Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10  AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the  Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.  

     --------------------------------------------  
     
     The  pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the  congregation would lend him their electric  girdles for the pancake breakfast next  Sunday.  
     
     --------------------------------------------  

     Low Self  Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.   Please use the back  door.  
     
     --------------------------  ------------------  
     
     The  eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's  Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.  The congregation is invited to attend this  tragedy.

     ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
     Weight  Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First  Presbyterian Church.  Please use large  double door at the side  entrance. 
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A father was approached by  his small son who told him proudly, "I know what
    the Bible means!"
    His father smiled and  replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the
    Bible means?
    The son replied, "I do  know!"
    "Okay," said his father. "What does the  Bible mean?"
    "That's easy, Daddy..." the young  boy replied excitedly," It stands for
    'Basic  Information Before Leaving Earth.'

    =======

    There was a very  gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible  to her
    brother in another part of the  country.
    "Is there anything breakable in here?"  asked the postal clerk.
    "Only the  Ten  Commandments. " answered the  lady.

    ========

    "Somebody has said  there are only two kinds of people in the world.  There
    are those who wake up in the morning and  say, "Good morning, Lord," and
    there are those who  wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's
    morning."

    ========

    A minister parked  his car in a no-parking zone in a large city  because he
    was short of time and couldn't find a  space with a meter.
    Then he put a note under  the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled
    the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll  miss my appointment.
    Forgive us our  trespasses."
    When he returned, he found a  citation from a police officer along with this
    note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I  don't give you a ticket
    I'll lose my job. Lead us  not into temptation."

    ========

    There  is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and  announced to his
    congregation: "I have good news  and bad news. The good news is, we have
    enough  money to pay for our new building program. The bad  news is, it's
    still out there in your  pockets."

    ========

    While driving in  Pennsylvania , a family  caught up to an Amish carriage.
    The owner of the  carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because  attached
    to the back of the carriage was a hand  printed sign... "Energy efficient
    vehicle: Runs on  oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in  exhaust."

    ========

    A Sunday School  teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys  and girls,
    what do we know about God?"
    A hand  shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the  kindergarten boy.
    "Really? How do you know?"  the teacher asked.
    "You know - Our Father, who  does art in Heaven... "

    ========

    A  minister  waited in line to have his car filled  with gas just before a
    long holiday weekend. The  attendant worked quickly, but there were many
    cars  ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him  toward a vacant
    pump.
    "Reverend," said the  young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems  as
    if everyone waits until the last minute to get  ready for a long trip."
    The minister chuckled,  "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
    business."

    ========

    People want the  front of the bus, the back of the church, and the  centre
    of attention.

    ========

    Sunday  after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter  what the lesson
    was about.
    The daughter  answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your  quilt."
    Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day, the pastor
    stopped by for tea  and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school
    lesson was  about.
    He said "Be not  afraid, thy comforter is  coming."

    ========

    The minister was  preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to  ask the
    congregation to come up with more money  than they were expecting for
    repairs to the church  building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that  the
    regular organist was sick and a substitute had  been brought in at the last
    minute. The substitute  wanted to know what to play.
    "Here's a copy of  the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll  have to
    think of something to play after I make  the announcement about the
    finances."
    During  the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and  Sisters,
    we are in great difficulty; the  roof repairs cost twice as much as we
    expected and  we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge  $100 or more,
    please stand up."
    At that moment,  the substitute organist played "The Star  Spangled Banner."
    And that is how the  substitute became the regular  organist!
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A little girl asked her father, 'How did the human race appear?'

    The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

    Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
    The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

    The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

    The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
    side of the family and your mother told you about hers.'